Quest for the perfect non mom jeans

This post was last updated on January 4th, 2022 at 11:14 pm

I’m in need of a new pair of jeans, but I refuse to pay three digit retail prices for designer jeans regardless if my rear assets look good in them or not. I’m not anti- designer duds, I’m just anti-ridiculous prices. Like any mom, I’m on a quest for the perfect non mom jeans. That elusive pair must be; flattering (no muffin top, no high-waist, or make my butt flat … thank you), comfortable (I can bend over and sit without my crack showing), and looks good with boots, heels or flip-flops.  I can usually find a decent pair of last year’s models at TJ Maxx, Marshalls or Nordtrom Rack. But I have to confess, my most recent quest for the perfect non mom jeans not only left me empty-handed, but also feeling totally duped!

I can usually tell if a pair of jeans will fit me by the time I’ve pulled them up to my knees. If they are tight, then forget about it. They will never make it over my thighs, and if they do I won’t be able to button them up. This is not a later-in-life realization. I’m curvy! And, now post kids, SOFT too! I’ve always had problems finding the perfect fit. I wish I could say “hey Gap fits me great, I only buy Long and Leans.”  But, the reality is, I need to test drive every brand. So it’s not uncommon for me to bring a minimum of 10 pairs of jeans into the dressing room at a time.

Quest for the Perfect Non Mom Jeans

Last week I found myself at TJ Maxx with a shopping cart overflowing with potentials – white jeans, blue jeans, ankle length and boot cut. I made my way to the small dressing room with the most horrendous fluorescent lighting – because seriously is there anything more humiliating then stripping down to your skivvies under lighting that shows every fold, dimple and as another friend kindly calls them…souvenirs (i.e stretch marks.) I began with pair number one –  too tight around the hips. Pair number 2 – too baggy in the crotch. Pair number 3 – couldn’t even get my foot through the opening at the bottom.

And, so it went until I was down to my last pair – a really cute pair of sky blue Jag Jeans. I haven’t worn Jag since I was in high school, back when Jag, Ton Sur Ton  and Forenza were all the rage. I was cautiously optimistic. They passed the knee test. They passed the thigh test. There were no buttons or zippers. Oh they were comfortable! But, something was not right! I looked at them from the side – cute! I looked at them from the rear – not bad! I looked at them from the front and there it was glaring right at me – the panel!!

 

Quest for the perfect non mom jeans
Maternity Pants?

 

OMG these really cute jeans are actually maternity pants in disguise! I felt duped! Bamboozled! Mislead! Who does Jag think they are? Don’t the designers realize that when moms are done with maternity clothes it’s the last thing we want to see, yet put on our body EVER!! These pants may not fit the true definition of mom jeans, since according to Wikipedia they must also be “unfashionable and unflattering,” which they are not depending on how you want to dress them up. Regardless of what you would call the Jag Jeans, I couldn’t get them off fast enough. So my quest for the perfect non mom jeans will go on, but now it’s game on. There is no fooling this girl.

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